I often question myself. It's become quite a problem. Am I smart? People say I am but look at my grades, look at my ACT score look at my life. I'm not smart.
But then i look at what i have accomplished.
i started with post the day i got back from india.
i didn't really like india.
those are my honest initial thoughts when i got home.
i don't think often of this adventure.
though sometimes a little bit of it,
come back to me.
India -2016
I think often of this adventure.
I think of the girls. They clung to me. Wrapping their arms around my neck and arms and hands. Kisses all over my face.
I think of myself crying one night because I wanted to give up. I never felt more sad and alone. Yet.
I knew there was joy if I searched. If I sought out how happy the others were maybe I would find it. I hoped.
You know what? I might not have found it in India. I think I let others tell me to dislike it. I felt at peace though there. Never joyful though. But I think back and I'm happy.
Happiness is not my trip to India. It was the relationships that came out of it. They taught me to be powerful and stand strong for things. They taught me heartbreak and everlasting love. They taught me what it's like to have older brothers and friends. They taught me to love everyone no matter their mistakes in the past.
Not sure what I'm trying to say but I know that this trip built my testimony in a new way. There was a lack of spirit in India. So it made it that much more special when I came home.
Maybe it wasn't a favorite. Maybe that's okay. But I know that there are girls out there thinking of me and ymad with hope. Hope we will come back. Hope of education and a future.
a silly notion for sure. but a creeping thought nonetheless. everyone else on the trip said they were terrified. though I knew that God had placed me here for a reason. as selfish as it is. this trip was for me. to grow. learn to love.
BE HAPPY.
I knew that I had to let every fear I've ever had. All my anxiety about if I'm even worth talking to. I had to let it go. so for the first time in years, I let myself, go. I laughed and danced and smiled and tried so hard not to let the demons into my head. Only Angels from Idaho Wyoming Kentucky Texas Utah California Nevada South Dakota & Alaska. They flew into my heart. I knew only hours into the trip that my life would never feel the same.
I am the top 1% of the world. Here I am. Working with the bottom 1%. I gave myself to the work. My hands were used to shovel. Lay. Hug. Play. Pray. My hands were rough and dirty. Though Christ's hands were the same. He bore the sins of the world for ME.
How lucky we are to be so loved.
Throughout the trip I thought.
Would I die for these people?
For my newly found friends? For the children? The ward? The simple answer was yes. Would I sacrifice myself for their happiness? Of course.
happiness was found very easily in Bolivia. all you had to do was wake up.
But here. It's a constant reminder to smile and love and live life as though I am of importance.
Bolivia made me realize I still had happiness and light inside me. It had not been put out yet. It was flickering still. Bolivia made it roar. Made flames. wildfires engulf my entire being into happiness. It burned the sadness. It burned the selfishness. The unkind thoughts. The no confidence side of jane.
God was with us. my constant companion the whole way through.
He made sure I had parents. Sisters. Brothers. Who would defend me. Love me. Fight for me. All in a tiny country with no family around.
pure and utter peace fell on me every morning and every night.
Inspiration and blessing were raining into us. Thank you for making me feel loved.
My cute aunt from New York asked me to help her with a lesson on self worth for the youth in her stake.
This was what I came up with.
guess my best advice for youth struggling with self worth is to first: get your patriarchal blessing.
You will find really fast that God knows you and you are destined for great things.
Second: putting others before yourself makes you really happy. Remembering that you can help others feel powerful and strong makes you feel that way too. The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.
Third: write a little list of everything you like about yourself. My list when I started was very small. I liked my eyebrows and my eyes and my eyelashes. So I focused on that. Then I started to like my lips and my wiggly toes and slowly I learned to love everything about myself. Sometimes I'm not the happiest about something but then I remember that I am more precious than gold and rubies. That I'm the only one who need to love me.
Fourth: mosaics are make from broken pieces pieces and are still art and so are you. Forgive yourself. But remember that sometimes letting go of people or idea of objects that make you feel I weak and broken it's best to throw out those people and things. Repentance is key.
Fifth: you don't need a girl or guy to find you attractive or be in love with you to have self worth. you are so much more than what others say you are. Stop looking for someone else to "complete" you. If you put passion into something like art music hobbies and talk about them with fire in your eyes someone someday will want to look into your eyes forever. But you have to love yourself first.
Six: you can be the ripest juiciest peach in the entire world and there's still going to be somebody who hates peaches. But the thing is if you have class and accept people for who they are you will get so much respect. Be kind. NEVER HOLD BACK A COMPLIMENT. I've always run and stop people in the halls and compliment them whether they are being kind to someone or their hair looks nice or anything. If you think kind thoughts let them spread like flowers. And plant a garden.
